


mourning

by nonbinaryezrabridger



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, Healing from trauma, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, Relationship Negotiation, Sexual Trauma, don’t copy to other sites, not for izzy fans, raphael being a good boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:34:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24088210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonbinaryezrabridger/pseuds/nonbinaryezrabridger
Summary: Sometimes, Meliorn can't let Raphael touch him.
Relationships: Meliorn/Raphael Santiago
Kudos: 24





	mourning

**Author's Note:**

> i will state again, this is not for izzy fans. she's the bad guy here so don't bother reading
> 
> tw for this story: discussion of sexual trauma

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They’re in their newly bought shared apartment, the walls covered in swatches of colorful, gauzy fabric that Meliorn had brought from the seelie realm and embroidered by hand. Insects of all sorts fly across the fabric or perch on flowers. Raphael’s darker, more somber taste is reflected in the red rugs and the dark stained wooden furniture. It’s a beautiful merging of them, and it makes Raphael feel at home. 

Meliorn has risen from the bed and gone into the kitchen, leaning over the counter as he cuts strawberries. Oatmeal cooks on the stove and the kettle boils water. Raphael steps into the kitchen, pulling on a pair of tight fitting jeans as he goes, and steps up beside Meliorn. As he does, he runs his hand over the small of Meliorn’s back, fingers just barely brushing the skin. He doesn’t expect the reaction it brings out of him. Meliorn goes stiff, frozen still, and the knife falls out of his fingers with a clatter.

Raphael retracts his hand instantly, very aware that something is wrong. He has touched Meliorn this way many times before and it has never been accompanied by this reaction. He takes a step back, pulling himself out of Meliorn’s space, and asks:

“Are you alright?”

Meliorn’s hand shakes as he picks the knife up again. He says:

“I am unharmed.”

Raphael digests that phrasing; seelies can’t lie, only evade, talk in circles. Had he said unharmed because saying I’m fine would have been a lie? Rapheal speaks:

“But something is wrong.”

Meliorn looks down at the cutting board, long hair falling into his face to hide his expression. Raphael sighs and doesn’t push, simply pulling out a pair of mugs from the cupboard. Then he goes back from bowls and spoons and begins setting the table. Meliorn finishes the strawberries and fills the tea cups with hot water before setting the oatmeal on the table, ready to be served. They've sat and eaten for some time before he speaks again, voice hesitant and quiet.

“I dreamed last night.”

Raphael sets his spoon down and meets his eyes, but doesn’t interrupt. Meliorn continues:

“I dreamed of her. Of her tongue everywhere, on every inch of me, coating my skin. Of her hands, deceptively delicate, her nails painted pink. Of the marks she left, raising blood beneath the skin, almost gentle and all the worse for it. I dreamed of her voice, silky and sweet, snapped shut around me as sure and snug as a trap. I don’t want your touch to echo hers, but it does. She’s left her marks on me and now I flinch from you, even though I love you and trust you. I fear she has broken me.”

Rapheal swallows, sorrow rising in him. He does not want ever to hurt Meliorn, but inadvertently he had. And in the end that is neither of their faults; all the blame rests on Isabelle. She had twisted and torn meliorn apart and then pieced him back together in a form she liked. She was the monster, and yet here was Meliorn hating himself. Rapheal speaks slowly, carefully:

“I do not hold it against you. You may shrink from my touch, you may ask never to be touched again, and I would obey. I love you, Meliorn. Not just the easy, convenient parts of you, but all of you. Please, do not let this shame you. You are more than what she has done to you. And you are not broken. You will grow again, grow beyond what was done to you.”

Meliorn looks up with dark eyes, shining with tears that slip down his cheeks.

“I will make your words come true. I will not let her control me any longer.”

Raphael smiles, vicious, and snarls:

“Good.”

Meliorn hesitates again and says in a meek voice.

“But still, I must ask that you do not touch me for now.”

Rapheal smiles, softly, like darkness creeping across the horizon at sunset.

“Of course.”

They finish their breakfast in a comfortable silence. Raphael washes the dishes as Meliorn loads the dishwasher. They move together in perfect unison, familiar with each other down to their bones. After they've cleaned up they return to bed, Raphael burying himself in a book and Meliorn knitting. They barely speak and they don’t touch, but Rapheal is as happy as could be, just being in Meliorn’s presence.

\---------


End file.
